Handling failure...an art form

Kyle Williams has been injured and recently came off the injury list to help the 49ers in their championship playoff game with the NY Giants last Sunday.

He probably wishes he had stayed home in bed!

Kyle made two costly errors that resulted in the Giants getting the football on the 49er 24 and 29 yard line in the last quarter and overtime, eventually handing them the three points they needed to win a narrow victory and earn a berth in the Super Bowl.

Part of big game responsibilities for both winners and losers is to face the press.  For Kyle, he also had to face his coaches and team mates.  He did all of this, in my humble opinion, perfectly.  It was almost an art form in itself of how to respond to failure.

Kyle had an injured shoulder and refused to use it as an excuse for his costly overtime fumble.  He applauded his team mates affirmation of him, and stood courageously before the press answering every question directed at him.

And he did it with integrity and dignity.

I had wondered aloud if he would ever pick up a  football again. What a  way to be remembered!  Not one mistake...but two...and a forfeited appearance in the game of all games for any football player or fan.

Kyle Williams will play football again, and I am betting, he will play for the 49ers.

I'm guessing, at least for me, he will be remembered NOT for the two costly errors he made in a championship game, but for his courage and grace in the face of failure.

We fail, too.  It is easy to fold up our tents and disappear from the scene of the "crime".  It is noteworthy when we face our failures, recognize them as an inevitable part of life without making excuses, and vow to move forward to a new day, wiser for lessons learned.

It's the right way to be remembered.

Appropriate Celebration

Is it okay to celebrate when we have won, achieved a goal, accomplished something significant?

Sporting events are comonly discolored by inordinate over-the-top celebrations,  Following the recent 49ers impropbable comeback win over the Saints in last week's playoff game in San Francisco, the report was that there were only 29 arrests and most of them were for intoxication.  The news pundits observed that this was a low number.

That in contrast to soccer (futbol) games in Europe where people have actually been trampled to death...celebrating!

There is almost a subtle suggestion among the most disciplined ("driven"?) that exulting in our successes may prohibit us from moving forward.  The temptation may be to "rest on our laurels" and to abandon the quest for continuing excellence.

There is some validity to this concern.  Were the 49ers to spend the weekend in drunken revelry, show up late for work on Monday and reluctantly go through the motions during this week of practice in preparation for the New York Giants, the end result on Sunday afternoon would be fairly   predictable--inevitable defeat.

So here's a key word in our life pursuits--balance. Think about this.

B-e focused on your goal.

A-llow for hard work and discipline in reaching it

L-et accontability be a tool for staying on course

A-ccept occasional misteps along the way

N-ever give up or exit the pursuit

C-elebrate the reaching of the goal

E-xhale, and move forward.

If the 49ers are to win on Sunday...and celebrste on Monday...they need to put their party hats away, put their football grubbies on and do the hard work.  it may result in another victory.

And another hard-earned and well-deserved celebration!

AFRAID TO SUCCEED?

I am a 49er fan and all year I have been surprised and supercharged by their 13-3 record and their entrance into the playoffs for the first time in ten years!  Perhaps by the time you read this blog they will have made their debut and succeeded...or failed...but they will have accomplished somethings noteworthy given the preseason prognostications of the football experts this year.

As they prepare for their game Saturday I am afraid for them.  They are facing a frightening opponent that has won eight games in a row--convincingly--and they are veterans of the playoff scene.  In fact, I confess, I am nervous about even watching the game, a subject of interesting commentary from the rest of my family!  What am I afraid of?  That they will lose? Perhaps.  That they will win...?  Yes, that they might win, move to the next level, and lose...or win...and move all the way to the Super Bowl! And then...lose...or, win?!?

Crazy, huh?

And yet. much of our life is characterized by such thinking.  If I move forward...and fail...then what?  If I move forward and succeed...what, then, will be expected of me?  Will I have to work harder?  Will the stakes be higher?  Will the possibility of failure increase exponentially? Maybe it's just safer to stay where I'm at.

Safe, semi-secure...and miserable!

I've stepped out into a new venture this year with no guarantees.  Last week I was invited to appear on a small local television station to be interviewed about this venture.  I hesitated--what if I develop a larger base of respondents,  greater than I am equipped to handle?  Then what will I do? I was afraid.

But I went on television, answered all the questions fearlessly, and thanked God for the opportunity He provided to help me move forward in the new venture upon which, I believe, He is placing His blessing. By the way,  I did not solicit the television interview...they called me!  Divine orchestration?

Don't be afraid...at least, don't let yourself succumb to your fears.  Being careful and cautious does not equal fear.  But not walking through open doors of opportunity could prevent you from enjoying the fulfillment God has in mind for you.

The 49ers may not win Saturday.  But they have an opportunity for the first time in ten years to play football in January!  I hope they win...but even if they don't, it will have been a  successful year for a 6-10 team last year that went 13-3 this year because they believed they could achieve their goals despite the odds stacked against them.

Go 49ers!

New Year's resolutions...again?

I am resolved to do something differently than I did last year.  Keep my new year's resolutions. Sound familiar?

I know.  We all start with good intentions thinking that the magical turning of the calendar obliterates the past and ushers in a whole new spectrum of opportunity.

Here's the problem.  I have to ask the question, "What has changed about me that will motivate me to do better this year?'  If this is just a familiar place you pitch your tent each January--as I am prone to do--and you are at this place without a plan, you'll probably be camping in the same territory twelve months from now.

That's just how it is with human nature.  And the old adage--"People who fail to plan, plan to fail"-- has a haunting truthfulness to it that experience corroborates more often than not.  At least that's my experience.

So, from the wisened web of my own failures I have managed to identify some things to evaluate in thinking about new year's resolutions.  Read them and decide how serious you are about a fresh start, and realize, even as you try to articulate some meaningful responses, that this can be hard work.

What would I like to be different?
The danger here is to list a bunch of circumstantial things--things over which we have no control--and/or changes in other people, another year I cannot control.  List only things you would change about yourself...this will require some assessment of personal responsibility and painful honesty.

What are my strong points, or, with what am I content?
Think of the things in life which make you most happy, and identify the reasons why.  More often than not they will reflect areas of personal interest and a degree of personal confidence in your contribution and participation.

What are my weaknesses and how do they contribute to my unhappiness or unsettledness?
As I think about the trouble spots in my life, is there a connective link between them and my own behavior or lack of discipline?  Identify those painful things and consider their link to the unhappiness I am experiencing.

How badly do I want to see change?
How painful are these things for me?  How are they hindering my growth and development?  How are they sabotaging my efforts to reach my goals (or, do I have any specific goals?)  What personal effort would I be willing to invest for things to be different?

Where do I start?
Of course, that presumes you want to.  You can experience change with a purpose (for motivation), a plan (for direction), another person (for affirmation)) and positive measureable goals (for evaluation).

I'd be happy to join you in this process.  Contact me today, daleabarrett@gmail.com.

PRIORITIES...managing my time

Christmas for me as a pastor is a time where the avalanche of activities and opportunities is potentially exhausting and overwhelming.  In the middle of what is meant to be a time of celebration, it can become a time of confusion and consternation.

This ought not to be so...but managing time--determining how to say "no"--is a challenge difficult for many of us to do, particularly, if by nature we are people-pleasers!

So, is there a simple formula for managing my time? No!  But there are some guidelines that I have employed that are helpful to me in setting boundaries and keeping my priorities in place.

What are my priorities?
This is the place to start--establish what is especially important to you today--this week   Write it down on a  piece of paper.  Number them in order of priority, taking not of what is non-negotiable (I have to do this!) and what is negotiable (I have a discretionary choice).

What are the non-negotiables in my schedule?
There are, admittedly, some things I have to do--regular office hours, standing appointments, etc.  Write these down on your daily-weekly calendar (If you're able to, do this a month in advance).

What time slots are left for the negotiables on my priority list? 
This is where my priority list can guide me--schedule time for the really significant things on your list-- i.e. time with the family, time for personal exercise, etc.--as compared to watching a football game (hard choice, I know!), dinner with the Smiths (maybe another time), etc.

What can I do to protect my schedule, preserving time to pursue my priorities?
Know your schedule in advance so you are prepared to say, "I can't do that this week, my schedule is full".  Learn that "no" is okay; everyone has scheduling priorities--even if only subconsciously--and a kind, "No, I can't at this time", is something everyone can relate to.

What if my priorities are different than my spouse's?
This a communication exercise; as you approach a new year it would be helpful and healthy for your relationship to discuss these together.  Honor one another and establish a  list of family non-negotiables and negotiables.  Work to reach a place of agreement, so you can move forward together!

Beverly and I have actually scheduled this season a few times of sitting on the couch, reflecting on the "reason for the season" and simply being still and quiet.  I know--we don't have children at home.  Still, we had to literally schedule that time.  We have some more of that this week--consistent with our renewed commitment to manage our time so that it reflects on our priorities.

Cowering or Confident?.

In January I will be 64 and in January, 2013, the world of pastoring and counseling that I have enjoyed for forty-six years will change..dramatically!

At times I am confident about the future when I anticipate the excitement of new challenges.  But, I confess, there are times I cower at the thought of starting over and doing something different.  I am learning to prayerfully and carefully take "risky" steps--"risky to me because they are without guarantees--and to trust God who has opened doors and birthed a love in my heart for the coaching-counseling profession.

Here are a few significant steps I have taken in recent days...

1. Yesterday I leased an office space for off-site coaching and counseling away from the church.  I already have clients who come from the community and I am more comfortable seeing them off-site as I collect reimbursement for my services. (For those who may be interested, my office is at 270 Hanford Street, Suite B in Sutter Creek, California 95685)

2.  I am launching a website in the next two weeks--"Full-LifeCoaching.com"--which will allow you to access me directly on-line.  75% of coaching is done on-line, often via Skpe, and I have enjoyed the opportunities I have already experienced with this technologically-streamlined, yet personal approach.

3.  I am transitioning away from my role of senior pastor at Grace Fellowship Church where I have served for over fifteen years since beginning the church in 1996. In February, 2012, one of my staff pastors who I have mentored for the last thirteen years will assume the role of "Lead Pastor".  In other words, the proverbial buck will stop at his desk--not mine!  Although I am grieving in part the change which I have requested, I am anticipating this new season of my life.

4.  I am voluntarily giving my office space--a familiar refuge for me--to the new "Lead Pastor" to further facilitate the transition process.  He will be gone for the month of January teaching in New Guinea, and when he returns we will have exchanged office space--so books must be boxed (I have over 4,000) and the reality of change will feel even more apparent.

5.  I am uncertain about many things--things that have always seemed comfortably predictable--but now I am learning with my sweet wife, Beverly, to "walk by faith"--our motto for 2012.

Someone once said, "The future is as bright as the promises of God."  I believe that remembering this will dispel the incidents of momentary cowardice that cause me to flinch at the contemplation of change and uncertainty, and catapult me to the confidence I have in God who has never failed me.

You may be facing similar transitions and uncertainty in light of the new year, and the choice between cowering in fear--the enemy's suggested response--and moving forward in confidence--God's desire--is yours. Let's pray we'll make the right choice!

Tips for avoiding the "morning after Christmas" blues

COACHING TIPS
What About Christmas Spending?

1. Make Christmas lists. Keep the list reflective of who you really want to give to, not necessarily those to whom you feel obligated because they will be giving a gift to you.

2. In some cases a personal message on a greeting card is more valuable than a purchased gift.

3. Consider setting a limit on each gift selection that fits your budget (for example, start out by determining the total funds available and then divide by the number of gifts to be purchased).

4. DO NOT USE CREDIT CARDS. Buy only what your cash spending budget allows. This will deflect the post-Christmas blues.

5. Can you make gifts? This would defray your costs. Homemade cookies, homemade ornaments, personal art work (not me!), etc.

6. If you are sending gifts, consider (a) drop shipping if ordered online and (b) ship in bulk (send a group of presents to one address at one time).

7. What about identifying a worthwhile project for those who are needy and sending donations in lieu of gifts? Invite your family to participate. (Probably would not work for children and grandchildren…?)

8. Gift-giving should be about the expression of the sentiment of love. A gift should not be given in place of a verbal expression of love.

9. The exchange of gifts should not be the centerpiece of the Christmas season; the celebration of the greatest gift of all—Jesus—should be the focal point.

10. Be sure to say “thank you” for all gifts received—either face-to-face, when possible, or in written acknowledgement of the receipt of a gift.