Sunday our pastor preached a sermon on divorce and remarriage from Mark 10:1-12. Preaching expositorily through the book of Mark, he arrived at this point Sunday. This is the great thing about expositional teaching. We move with scripture and preach what is there when we get there.
I know this was not an easy topic for him; I am married to his mother who, along with me, experienced divorce. To say the least, we are sensitive about it and it has forever changed and marked our lives. It is the unavoidable legacy of divorce.
I am remarried and happily. I felt there was freedom and grace from scripture to move forward with my life; still I grieved my divorce and continue to grieve it. It has impacted all of us in our family and in my wife's family as well. We hate divorce. We are saddened that it touched our lives.
But I am grateful for grace--grace that allows us to begin anew, and to know God's forgiveness and healing. Twenty years later I remain committed to the permanence of marriage, the horror of divorce and the hard work that preserving and protecting a marriage requires. That is a part of the legacy of divorce.
I am grateful for a stepson who teaches the Word clearly, and without compromise. These may not be welcome words for a "casual divorce" culture--within and outside the church--but it is the unchanging Word of God. It is written, I believe, to save us from the painful legacy of divorce.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Communication...more than talking...more than listening
It would be hard to write anything new about communication. But it can't hurt to revisit some things that we know are true but we easily forget.
Communication is more than talking. Just "unloading" or "getting something off your chest" does not signal you have communicated. Communication implies that what you have said has been heard, understood, and confirming feedback has taken place.
Communication is more than listening. "Nodding your head" or "being silent", though helpful to facilitating communication, does not indicate communication has taken place. In fact, if there is no verbal response, the other party may feel ignored or diminished in his attempt to communicate.
Recently I had a great time of communication with my wife. Here are some observations about the process.
1. We weren't on the clock.
2. We both were feeling some anxiety.
3. We both listened.
4. We both shared our hearts.
5. We reached some consensus, after responding to one another, about how to move forward (and, I think, we both felt better).
It wasn't magical. In fact, some of it was painful. But we were committed to the process of talking, listening and communicating. Questions like this help.
"Did I make sense?" "I think I heard you say..." "I'm sorry that's what you heard; how can I say it differently?" "Let me try again." "I'm sorry."
Here's a scriptural guideline for this kind of communication. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen..." Ephesians 4:29.
"I told her what I thought!" "I didn't respond when she was talking to me!" These statements are not reflective of communication.
The next time you have one of those important conversations--think about how you say what you want to say with a calculated effort to express it in such a way that it will be received with optimum value. And listen--not interrupting or preparing a response--but with a mindset to truly hear what is being said.
You're not done. Offer feedback to each other and don't leave the table without a commitment to act on what you've heard. That will signal effective communication...especially if you follow-through...
Communication is more than talking. Just "unloading" or "getting something off your chest" does not signal you have communicated. Communication implies that what you have said has been heard, understood, and confirming feedback has taken place.
Communication is more than listening. "Nodding your head" or "being silent", though helpful to facilitating communication, does not indicate communication has taken place. In fact, if there is no verbal response, the other party may feel ignored or diminished in his attempt to communicate.
Recently I had a great time of communication with my wife. Here are some observations about the process.
1. We weren't on the clock.
2. We both were feeling some anxiety.
3. We both listened.
4. We both shared our hearts.
5. We reached some consensus, after responding to one another, about how to move forward (and, I think, we both felt better).
It wasn't magical. In fact, some of it was painful. But we were committed to the process of talking, listening and communicating. Questions like this help.
"Did I make sense?" "I think I heard you say..." "I'm sorry that's what you heard; how can I say it differently?" "Let me try again." "I'm sorry."
Here's a scriptural guideline for this kind of communication. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen..." Ephesians 4:29.
"I told her what I thought!" "I didn't respond when she was talking to me!" These statements are not reflective of communication.
The next time you have one of those important conversations--think about how you say what you want to say with a calculated effort to express it in such a way that it will be received with optimum value. And listen--not interrupting or preparing a response--but with a mindset to truly hear what is being said.
You're not done. Offer feedback to each other and don't leave the table without a commitment to act on what you've heard. That will signal effective communication...especially if you follow-through...
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
stalked by disappointment
Do you ever feel you are being stalked by disappointment?
I know. That sounds a little bit like a martyr, or, someone with a persecution complex. Still, there are moments when I have felt like disappointment is lurking behind every bush of opportunity.
Recently I had an invitation to talk with someone about a job opportunity right down my alley of interest. As we visited I became more and more excited about the potential of working, though only part-time, in this environment of mutual passion. Unfortunately, in the course of our conversation a "detail" was shared that made me realize it probably was not going to happen. I was disappointed.
A week later, I am still disappointed. God had seemed to be so present in all the details leading up to the meeting, and even in the content of our conversation together. In the end--at least to this point--it has not proven to be what I desired or hoped for.
From the divine perspective, I've comforted myself by thinking about what God may have saved me from, and about what really wasn't so great about this opportunity. It has provided some passing comfort and I have managed to assuage some of my residual feelings of disappointment.
Some reluctant reflections on what I am learning...
1. Disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations. I did not have the information I needed to have been appropriately prepared for the potential outcome.
2. Disappointment carries an emotional component. It is compounded by an ungodly sense of desperation. I am not desperate but I treated this as if it were the end-all opportunity without which I would be destitute and "on the streets". Not even close.
3. Disappointment craves feeding. It wants to revisit the details, rehearse the factors that pointed to a different outcome, and get stuck in self-pity. I am purposely "fasting" today--determined not to feed my disappointment nor to linger in the valley of despond. God has something better for me, even if it means this door is permanently closed.
I know. That sounds a little bit like a martyr, or, someone with a persecution complex. Still, there are moments when I have felt like disappointment is lurking behind every bush of opportunity.
Recently I had an invitation to talk with someone about a job opportunity right down my alley of interest. As we visited I became more and more excited about the potential of working, though only part-time, in this environment of mutual passion. Unfortunately, in the course of our conversation a "detail" was shared that made me realize it probably was not going to happen. I was disappointed.
A week later, I am still disappointed. God had seemed to be so present in all the details leading up to the meeting, and even in the content of our conversation together. In the end--at least to this point--it has not proven to be what I desired or hoped for.
From the divine perspective, I've comforted myself by thinking about what God may have saved me from, and about what really wasn't so great about this opportunity. It has provided some passing comfort and I have managed to assuage some of my residual feelings of disappointment.
Some reluctant reflections on what I am learning...
1. Disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations. I did not have the information I needed to have been appropriately prepared for the potential outcome.
2. Disappointment carries an emotional component. It is compounded by an ungodly sense of desperation. I am not desperate but I treated this as if it were the end-all opportunity without which I would be destitute and "on the streets". Not even close.
3. Disappointment craves feeding. It wants to revisit the details, rehearse the factors that pointed to a different outcome, and get stuck in self-pity. I am purposely "fasting" today--determined not to feed my disappointment nor to linger in the valley of despond. God has something better for me, even if it means this door is permanently closed.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Bad news, really good news
It seems as if Hebrews 4:12-16 has a "bad news, good news" motif. At least it does for me.
The "bad news"...
1. The Word of God, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrates our lives as believers.
2. It judges the "thoughts and attitudes of the heart".
3. It exposes us to God "to whom we must give account".
If you stop reading there, it sound pretty scary. When we view our lives under the spotlight of the Word, we realize how far short we fall in our desire to live perfectly for Christ. It seems like a futile pursuit, and the devil can cause us to pitch a tent here in this hopeless terrain.
But here's the really good news...
1. We have a high priest who has gone before us--Jesus, God's Son.
2. We should, then, hold firmly to our faith...why?
3. Jesus sympathizes with out our weakness; having been tempted--but without sin--He is our perfect way to access God.
4. We can be confident is coming to the "throne of grace" (how inviting is that!) knowing we will "receive mercy" and "find grace to help us in our time of need".
That is really good news! As I read the Word it teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains me (II Timothy 3:16,17) so that I--a man desirous of being a "man of God", may be "thoroughly equipped for every good work". I fall short of this goal daily, but daily I come to His throne, and as the recipient of His mercy and grace, purpose to live for Him and for His glory.
The "bad news"...
1. The Word of God, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrates our lives as believers.
2. It judges the "thoughts and attitudes of the heart".
3. It exposes us to God "to whom we must give account".
If you stop reading there, it sound pretty scary. When we view our lives under the spotlight of the Word, we realize how far short we fall in our desire to live perfectly for Christ. It seems like a futile pursuit, and the devil can cause us to pitch a tent here in this hopeless terrain.
But here's the really good news...
1. We have a high priest who has gone before us--Jesus, God's Son.
2. We should, then, hold firmly to our faith...why?
3. Jesus sympathizes with out our weakness; having been tempted--but without sin--He is our perfect way to access God.
4. We can be confident is coming to the "throne of grace" (how inviting is that!) knowing we will "receive mercy" and "find grace to help us in our time of need".
That is really good news! As I read the Word it teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains me (II Timothy 3:16,17) so that I--a man desirous of being a "man of God", may be "thoroughly equipped for every good work". I fall short of this goal daily, but daily I come to His throne, and as the recipient of His mercy and grace, purpose to live for Him and for His glory.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Making sense of terror
The recent tragedy at the Navy ship yard in Washington DC--another in a string of senseless massacres--is potentially terrorizing. How do we send our children out into a world so ransacked with sin and anger and volatility? Do we need to carry guns to protect ourselves? Do we pull into our private--seemingly safe world--and limit our exposure to the real world around us? It is hard not to live in fear.
Fear has torment. Fear paralyzes. Fear is from the enemy. Paul wrote his protege, young Timothy who was struggling with fear, "God has not given us the spirit of fear (timidity) but a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline." What do we do with that statement?
1. Fear is the enemy's tool to diminish our productivity and to dampen our enthusiasm for the pursuit of a purposeful full life.
2. Fear is NOT from God; therefore, we know it is from the enemy whose declared purpose is to destroy us for he goes about "like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."
3. What God has given us in place of fear is...
"a spirit of love"--our love for God, and the remembrance of His love for us reminds us of His promised care and sovereign oversight of our lives.
"a spirit of power"--our link to God as His children indwelt by the Holy Spirit results in a confidence in His ability to sustain us and protect us.
"a spirit of self-discipline"--our life in God is one of presenting ourselves to Him daily, resting in the knowledge of what we intentionally affirm to be true in His Word-and not succumbing to the spirit of the world that would depress us.
We have not seen the last tragedy or act of terrorism in our lifetime; as long as sin reigns in men's lives it will be our daily fare. We are drawn by our love for Christ--a love that "casts out fear"--to a deeper relationship of trust and confidence in Him.
Cling to Him today..."casting your cares upon Him for He cares for you..."
Fear has torment. Fear paralyzes. Fear is from the enemy. Paul wrote his protege, young Timothy who was struggling with fear, "God has not given us the spirit of fear (timidity) but a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline." What do we do with that statement?
1. Fear is the enemy's tool to diminish our productivity and to dampen our enthusiasm for the pursuit of a purposeful full life.
2. Fear is NOT from God; therefore, we know it is from the enemy whose declared purpose is to destroy us for he goes about "like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."
3. What God has given us in place of fear is...
"a spirit of love"--our love for God, and the remembrance of His love for us reminds us of His promised care and sovereign oversight of our lives.
"a spirit of power"--our link to God as His children indwelt by the Holy Spirit results in a confidence in His ability to sustain us and protect us.
"a spirit of self-discipline"--our life in God is one of presenting ourselves to Him daily, resting in the knowledge of what we intentionally affirm to be true in His Word-and not succumbing to the spirit of the world that would depress us.
We have not seen the last tragedy or act of terrorism in our lifetime; as long as sin reigns in men's lives it will be our daily fare. We are drawn by our love for Christ--a love that "casts out fear"--to a deeper relationship of trust and confidence in Him.
Cling to Him today..."casting your cares upon Him for He cares for you..."
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
"There's no place like home..."
It's been unclear in this time of transition where "home" actually is. "Home is where the heart is", an oft-quoted proverb, suggests that where your affections and deepest connections are made is where home is. In these last six weeks as I have lived in my new "house", I've mused about where "home" really is.
When we left for Sutter Creek last Thursday for five days of multiple responsibilities--a funeral, a seminar, counseling, dental work--I said a few times, "We are going home", almost without thinking. In that subconscious expression I was responding to the seventeen years we had lived there, the multitude of friendships we had developed and the poignant memories of good times.
We had a great time in Amador County, visiting and sharing meals with friends, driving through familiar country that we had navigated many times before. But, alas, I discovered it was no longer"home" for too much had changed about my life there...and here.
The place where I now go to church is in San Luis Obispo. The place where I have my office is in San Luis Obispo. The place where I shop, where I sleep, where I run on the beach, where I bike, where I eat, where I see my family...all are in San Luis Obispo County, three hundred miles from the place I used to call "home".
Bev and I left Jackson and drove to my mom's house in Stockton early Tuesday morning before heading south to Arroyo Grande. I grew up in Stockton, but as wonderful as it is to spend time with mom there, it is no longer "home". As we said good-bye to mom and my sister, Diane, and climbed into our Yukon, I turned to Bev and said, "We are going home".
"There's no place like home..."
When we left for Sutter Creek last Thursday for five days of multiple responsibilities--a funeral, a seminar, counseling, dental work--I said a few times, "We are going home", almost without thinking. In that subconscious expression I was responding to the seventeen years we had lived there, the multitude of friendships we had developed and the poignant memories of good times.
We had a great time in Amador County, visiting and sharing meals with friends, driving through familiar country that we had navigated many times before. But, alas, I discovered it was no longer"home" for too much had changed about my life there...and here.
The place where I now go to church is in San Luis Obispo. The place where I have my office is in San Luis Obispo. The place where I shop, where I sleep, where I run on the beach, where I bike, where I eat, where I see my family...all are in San Luis Obispo County, three hundred miles from the place I used to call "home".
Bev and I left Jackson and drove to my mom's house in Stockton early Tuesday morning before heading south to Arroyo Grande. I grew up in Stockton, but as wonderful as it is to spend time with mom there, it is no longer "home". As we said good-bye to mom and my sister, Diane, and climbed into our Yukon, I turned to Bev and said, "We are going home".
"There's no place like home..."
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
The suicide epidemic
Thirty per cent more baby boomers committed suicide over the last ten years than those the same age a decade before.
More teenagers die from suicide than from automobile accidents.
Staggering statistics that can be added to others heralding the gruesome truth that suicide is becoming an ever-increasing "way out" and "escape" from the rigors of life.
WHY?
Many reasons are suggested by the professionals--economic woes, joblessness, increased use of opiates, gender identity issues, the collapse of the traditional family unit, etc.
When Jesus said that His purpose was to bring us "abundant life" in John 10:10, many contemporary "teachers" chose to use that idea as a platform for what has been called the "health and wealth" gospel, i.e. "God wants you rich", "Christians should never be sick", etc. Apart from the fact that this flies in the face of scripture, and that such a message would not play well in third world countries where disease and poverty abound, the challenge, then, is to understand what an "abundant" and "full life" looks like.
A "full life" is understanding who I am and whose I am. When I discover that I am God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) created by Him with a unique place and purpose, and pursue that relationship with Him (we know that He first pursues us with His love) and discover my purpose in Him--then I can begin to experience true fullness in my life as I follow Christ.
It's not easy. This is not a ticket to a comfortable life nor is it the promise of problem-free living. What it does give me is a prescription for life--how to live it rightly and how to build meaningful relationships that are supporting and sustaining.
I firmly believe that if we understood this, and the significance of Philippians 4:6-8 where we are encouraged to come to God with our problems in prayer with the promise, "...He will keep your hearts through Christ Jesus...", or, as another commentator suggested, "keep you sane"--we would embrace life, not despair of it.
Too many are living in the grip of hopelessness and despair. This week I have the privilege of speaking to those who have lost friends and family members to the tragedy of suicide. My prayer is that I will be the voice of hope to those who have survived and are struggling to make sense of what happened.
Our hope is in the Lord.
More teenagers die from suicide than from automobile accidents.
Staggering statistics that can be added to others heralding the gruesome truth that suicide is becoming an ever-increasing "way out" and "escape" from the rigors of life.
WHY?
Many reasons are suggested by the professionals--economic woes, joblessness, increased use of opiates, gender identity issues, the collapse of the traditional family unit, etc.
When Jesus said that His purpose was to bring us "abundant life" in John 10:10, many contemporary "teachers" chose to use that idea as a platform for what has been called the "health and wealth" gospel, i.e. "God wants you rich", "Christians should never be sick", etc. Apart from the fact that this flies in the face of scripture, and that such a message would not play well in third world countries where disease and poverty abound, the challenge, then, is to understand what an "abundant" and "full life" looks like.
A "full life" is understanding who I am and whose I am. When I discover that I am God's workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) created by Him with a unique place and purpose, and pursue that relationship with Him (we know that He first pursues us with His love) and discover my purpose in Him--then I can begin to experience true fullness in my life as I follow Christ.
It's not easy. This is not a ticket to a comfortable life nor is it the promise of problem-free living. What it does give me is a prescription for life--how to live it rightly and how to build meaningful relationships that are supporting and sustaining.
I firmly believe that if we understood this, and the significance of Philippians 4:6-8 where we are encouraged to come to God with our problems in prayer with the promise, "...He will keep your hearts through Christ Jesus...", or, as another commentator suggested, "keep you sane"--we would embrace life, not despair of it.
Too many are living in the grip of hopelessness and despair. This week I have the privilege of speaking to those who have lost friends and family members to the tragedy of suicide. My prayer is that I will be the voice of hope to those who have survived and are struggling to make sense of what happened.
Our hope is in the Lord.
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