Sunday our pastor preached a sermon on divorce and remarriage from Mark 10:1-12. Preaching expositorily through the book of Mark, he arrived at this point Sunday. This is the great thing about expositional teaching. We move with scripture and preach what is there when we get there.
I know this was not an easy topic for him; I am married to his mother who, along with me, experienced divorce. To say the least, we are sensitive about it and it has forever changed and marked our lives. It is the unavoidable legacy of divorce.
I am remarried and happily. I felt there was freedom and grace from scripture to move forward with my life; still I grieved my divorce and continue to grieve it. It has impacted all of us in our family and in my wife's family as well. We hate divorce. We are saddened that it touched our lives.
But I am grateful for grace--grace that allows us to begin anew, and to know God's forgiveness and healing. Twenty years later I remain committed to the permanence of marriage, the horror of divorce and the hard work that preserving and protecting a marriage requires. That is a part of the legacy of divorce.
I am grateful for a stepson who teaches the Word clearly, and without compromise. These may not be welcome words for a "casual divorce" culture--within and outside the church--but it is the unchanging Word of God. It is written, I believe, to save us from the painful legacy of divorce.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Communication...more than talking...more than listening
It would be hard to write anything new about communication. But it can't hurt to revisit some things that we know are true but we easily forget.
Communication is more than talking. Just "unloading" or "getting something off your chest" does not signal you have communicated. Communication implies that what you have said has been heard, understood, and confirming feedback has taken place.
Communication is more than listening. "Nodding your head" or "being silent", though helpful to facilitating communication, does not indicate communication has taken place. In fact, if there is no verbal response, the other party may feel ignored or diminished in his attempt to communicate.
Recently I had a great time of communication with my wife. Here are some observations about the process.
1. We weren't on the clock.
2. We both were feeling some anxiety.
3. We both listened.
4. We both shared our hearts.
5. We reached some consensus, after responding to one another, about how to move forward (and, I think, we both felt better).
It wasn't magical. In fact, some of it was painful. But we were committed to the process of talking, listening and communicating. Questions like this help.
"Did I make sense?" "I think I heard you say..." "I'm sorry that's what you heard; how can I say it differently?" "Let me try again." "I'm sorry."
Here's a scriptural guideline for this kind of communication. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen..." Ephesians 4:29.
"I told her what I thought!" "I didn't respond when she was talking to me!" These statements are not reflective of communication.
The next time you have one of those important conversations--think about how you say what you want to say with a calculated effort to express it in such a way that it will be received with optimum value. And listen--not interrupting or preparing a response--but with a mindset to truly hear what is being said.
You're not done. Offer feedback to each other and don't leave the table without a commitment to act on what you've heard. That will signal effective communication...especially if you follow-through...
Communication is more than talking. Just "unloading" or "getting something off your chest" does not signal you have communicated. Communication implies that what you have said has been heard, understood, and confirming feedback has taken place.
Communication is more than listening. "Nodding your head" or "being silent", though helpful to facilitating communication, does not indicate communication has taken place. In fact, if there is no verbal response, the other party may feel ignored or diminished in his attempt to communicate.
Recently I had a great time of communication with my wife. Here are some observations about the process.
1. We weren't on the clock.
2. We both were feeling some anxiety.
3. We both listened.
4. We both shared our hearts.
5. We reached some consensus, after responding to one another, about how to move forward (and, I think, we both felt better).
It wasn't magical. In fact, some of it was painful. But we were committed to the process of talking, listening and communicating. Questions like this help.
"Did I make sense?" "I think I heard you say..." "I'm sorry that's what you heard; how can I say it differently?" "Let me try again." "I'm sorry."
Here's a scriptural guideline for this kind of communication. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen..." Ephesians 4:29.
"I told her what I thought!" "I didn't respond when she was talking to me!" These statements are not reflective of communication.
The next time you have one of those important conversations--think about how you say what you want to say with a calculated effort to express it in such a way that it will be received with optimum value. And listen--not interrupting or preparing a response--but with a mindset to truly hear what is being said.
You're not done. Offer feedback to each other and don't leave the table without a commitment to act on what you've heard. That will signal effective communication...especially if you follow-through...
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
stalked by disappointment
Do you ever feel you are being stalked by disappointment?
I know. That sounds a little bit like a martyr, or, someone with a persecution complex. Still, there are moments when I have felt like disappointment is lurking behind every bush of opportunity.
Recently I had an invitation to talk with someone about a job opportunity right down my alley of interest. As we visited I became more and more excited about the potential of working, though only part-time, in this environment of mutual passion. Unfortunately, in the course of our conversation a "detail" was shared that made me realize it probably was not going to happen. I was disappointed.
A week later, I am still disappointed. God had seemed to be so present in all the details leading up to the meeting, and even in the content of our conversation together. In the end--at least to this point--it has not proven to be what I desired or hoped for.
From the divine perspective, I've comforted myself by thinking about what God may have saved me from, and about what really wasn't so great about this opportunity. It has provided some passing comfort and I have managed to assuage some of my residual feelings of disappointment.
Some reluctant reflections on what I am learning...
1. Disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations. I did not have the information I needed to have been appropriately prepared for the potential outcome.
2. Disappointment carries an emotional component. It is compounded by an ungodly sense of desperation. I am not desperate but I treated this as if it were the end-all opportunity without which I would be destitute and "on the streets". Not even close.
3. Disappointment craves feeding. It wants to revisit the details, rehearse the factors that pointed to a different outcome, and get stuck in self-pity. I am purposely "fasting" today--determined not to feed my disappointment nor to linger in the valley of despond. God has something better for me, even if it means this door is permanently closed.
I know. That sounds a little bit like a martyr, or, someone with a persecution complex. Still, there are moments when I have felt like disappointment is lurking behind every bush of opportunity.
Recently I had an invitation to talk with someone about a job opportunity right down my alley of interest. As we visited I became more and more excited about the potential of working, though only part-time, in this environment of mutual passion. Unfortunately, in the course of our conversation a "detail" was shared that made me realize it probably was not going to happen. I was disappointed.
A week later, I am still disappointed. God had seemed to be so present in all the details leading up to the meeting, and even in the content of our conversation together. In the end--at least to this point--it has not proven to be what I desired or hoped for.
From the divine perspective, I've comforted myself by thinking about what God may have saved me from, and about what really wasn't so great about this opportunity. It has provided some passing comfort and I have managed to assuage some of my residual feelings of disappointment.
Some reluctant reflections on what I am learning...
1. Disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations. I did not have the information I needed to have been appropriately prepared for the potential outcome.
2. Disappointment carries an emotional component. It is compounded by an ungodly sense of desperation. I am not desperate but I treated this as if it were the end-all opportunity without which I would be destitute and "on the streets". Not even close.
3. Disappointment craves feeding. It wants to revisit the details, rehearse the factors that pointed to a different outcome, and get stuck in self-pity. I am purposely "fasting" today--determined not to feed my disappointment nor to linger in the valley of despond. God has something better for me, even if it means this door is permanently closed.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Bad news, really good news
It seems as if Hebrews 4:12-16 has a "bad news, good news" motif. At least it does for me.
The "bad news"...
1. The Word of God, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrates our lives as believers.
2. It judges the "thoughts and attitudes of the heart".
3. It exposes us to God "to whom we must give account".
If you stop reading there, it sound pretty scary. When we view our lives under the spotlight of the Word, we realize how far short we fall in our desire to live perfectly for Christ. It seems like a futile pursuit, and the devil can cause us to pitch a tent here in this hopeless terrain.
But here's the really good news...
1. We have a high priest who has gone before us--Jesus, God's Son.
2. We should, then, hold firmly to our faith...why?
3. Jesus sympathizes with out our weakness; having been tempted--but without sin--He is our perfect way to access God.
4. We can be confident is coming to the "throne of grace" (how inviting is that!) knowing we will "receive mercy" and "find grace to help us in our time of need".
That is really good news! As I read the Word it teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains me (II Timothy 3:16,17) so that I--a man desirous of being a "man of God", may be "thoroughly equipped for every good work". I fall short of this goal daily, but daily I come to His throne, and as the recipient of His mercy and grace, purpose to live for Him and for His glory.
The "bad news"...
1. The Word of God, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrates our lives as believers.
2. It judges the "thoughts and attitudes of the heart".
3. It exposes us to God "to whom we must give account".
If you stop reading there, it sound pretty scary. When we view our lives under the spotlight of the Word, we realize how far short we fall in our desire to live perfectly for Christ. It seems like a futile pursuit, and the devil can cause us to pitch a tent here in this hopeless terrain.
But here's the really good news...
1. We have a high priest who has gone before us--Jesus, God's Son.
2. We should, then, hold firmly to our faith...why?
3. Jesus sympathizes with out our weakness; having been tempted--but without sin--He is our perfect way to access God.
4. We can be confident is coming to the "throne of grace" (how inviting is that!) knowing we will "receive mercy" and "find grace to help us in our time of need".
That is really good news! As I read the Word it teaches, rebukes, corrects, and trains me (II Timothy 3:16,17) so that I--a man desirous of being a "man of God", may be "thoroughly equipped for every good work". I fall short of this goal daily, but daily I come to His throne, and as the recipient of His mercy and grace, purpose to live for Him and for His glory.
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