Communication...more than talking...more than listening

It would be hard to write anything new about communication.  But it can't hurt to revisit some things that we know are true but we easily forget.

Communication is more than talking.  Just "unloading" or "getting something off your chest" does not signal you have communicated.  Communication implies that what you have said has been heard, understood, and confirming feedback has taken place.

Communication is more than listening.  "Nodding your head" or "being silent", though helpful to facilitating communication, does not indicate communication has taken place.  In fact, if there is no verbal response, the other party may feel ignored or diminished in his attempt to communicate. 

Recently I had a great time of communication with my wife. Here are some observations about the process.

1.  We weren't on the clock.
2.  We both were feeling some anxiety.
3.  We both listened.
4.  We both shared our hearts.
5.  We reached some consensus, after responding to one another, about how to move forward (and, I think, we both felt better).

It wasn't magical.  In fact, some of it was painful.  But we were committed to the process of talking, listening and communicating.  Questions like this help.

"Did I make sense?" "I think I heard you say..." "I'm sorry that's what you heard; how can I say it differently?" "Let me try again."  "I'm sorry."

Here's a scriptural guideline for this kind of communication.  "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen..."  Ephesians 4:29.

"I told her what I thought!"  "I didn't respond when she was talking to me!" These statements are not reflective of communication.  

The next time you have one of those important conversations--think about how you say what you want to say with a calculated effort to express it in such a way that it will be received with optimum value.  And listen--not interrupting or preparing a response--but with a mindset to truly hear what is being said.

You're not done.  Offer feedback to each other and don't leave the table without a commitment to act on what you've heard.  That will signal effective communication...especially if you follow-through...